Tag Archives: lies

mirror talk

7 Jan

Words escape. And yet there is a need to write.

About what? The times when its just you and the mirror and the truth, or well, what you perceive to be the truth. These times, usually accompanied by tears, are the times when you actually become painfully honest with yourself. With God. With the floor. Or the pillow.

Big difference between giving up and accepting someone for who they are.

Everyone just wants someone to accept them for who they are. To accept them without the ulterior motives to change them into someone else. Someone they’re not.

But even if you find someone who accepts you, they have to do more than tolerate you, they have to love you. And not only do they have to accept and love you, but they have to do it forever. Exclusively.

Does this exist?

Sure it does. But not for everyone, right? Statistically speaking, very few people end up this way. So why are we shooting for such impossible goals? Maybe “shooting for” is a poor choice of words, since you really can’t DO anything to make someone accept and love you and only you forever. It’s a choice they make. And it’s a choice you make about them.

After a while, you get to a certain point, a certain age, where everyone has emotional baggage from past “failed” relationships. It only gets harder to break down walls of distrust and reopen healthy lines of communication. You are not who you were before that relational experience. Our experiences change us. We go through different seasons, some joyful and full of life, while others are filled with excruciating pain and despair. The highs and lows of life are nothing new, but that does not make them any less difficult to handle.

It seems there is not much that can be done. It seems to leave us in an awful and somewhat depressing situation. What to do?

The only thing I have found, is to learn.

Learn from the experience, the good and the bad, then it will be worth it in the end. Be aware that you are not who you were, but are now forever changed by your unique experiences. Whats done is done. It happened. Take what you can to benefit you in the future, and move on. Move forward.

Easily we are distracted and even paralyzed by our past. We forget to keep our eyes face-forward, on things where our actions still have meaning, where our paths have yet to be made visible. We cannot change what has been done, we can only change from this point on.

Memories can be wonderful and beautiful things, but they can also be heartbreaking and taunting. They say that time heals all wounds. Maybe this is true, but scars will remain. Some bigger and more noticeable than others.

And so we begin to think these scars will keep us from being accepted and loved by someone. These scars translate into value and worth, or lack there of. This is where we get in deep trouble. This is where the darkness begins to rear its ugly head and drown us in a sea of self-loathing, guilt, and perceived worthlessness. We begin to believe that we are worthless, that we have no value, that we are impossible to love.

But these are lies.

This is why it is SO important to find your identity in Christ and not in the next guy that comes along. God created us in His image, He did not make a mistake, He did not forget about you. He has already accepted you and loves you and will do so forever. There is nothing you can do to make Him love you less. There is a plan and a purpose for your life. You are not meaningless. You are precious.

If we choose to believe the truth about who we are, we can begin to see our unique situations and experiences as building blocks that are shaping us into who we will become. Into wiser and stronger versions of ourselves.

It takes a lot of hard work to become the person you want to be.

Don’t let the trials of life and relationships defeat you. Rise above and overcome. Nothing is impossible with Christ. He is all the power and strength you will ever need.

Hold on.

fresh strength

3 Dec

Well its 1:49AM and Star Trek: The Next Generation is on mute in the background. In my defense, it was a total accident. I was watching Scrubs… hours ago… and then I put it on mute and now its Star Trek. I have no idea whats happening on it right now though. However, half-watching it on mute has brought me to the realization that this would be a great show to do hilarious voice-overs on. Yes.

Also, this couch has lost its comfyness and my left leg is falling asleep.

None of this is relevant.

I haven’t blogged in quite some time, and I still don’t have much to say really, so Im not sure where this is going.

I got some new music by a band named Glass Pear. Really really good. So far my favorite is a song called “My Ghost”. Youre welcome.

You know who else I like? Lady GaGa. That’s right. I said it. Sure, she’s twisted and controversial at times, but she is super talented, an awesome performer, and uber creative. A-mazing artist. And Im pretty sure she is only 23 years old. Makes you re-evaluate what all you have accomplished in life so far doesn’t it? Just me?

Its finals week. Well, technically next week is finals week, which just means I have a boatload of stuff to do by then. That’s probably why I feel the need to blog. Haha.

My birthday is coming up. I don’t know where this year has gone. They say the years fly by more quickly the older you get. I am starting to believe them. Oh them.

But seriously, this year has been ridiculous. So many things I went through that I never would have anticipated. I guess that’s the beauty and excitement of it all, the future, the unknown. Who knows what I will have experienced by this time next year. Its crazy.

But I am thankful. Thankful for all the pain and all the insight I have gained through it and because of it. Not that it was all painful of course, many great and wonderfully amazing times were had as well. But this was a hard year. Not just for me, but for most people I feel like. Sure the recession had a lot to do with it, but 2009 seemed to really take pleasure in kicking you while you were down, ya know? I sure hope 2010 isn’t such a bully.

Wow 2010. I can remember 10 years ago – the year 2000! I remember before the year 2000, thinking about how old I would be in the year 2000 and how crazy it would be in the 1900’s anymore. Holy crap I feel old.

Which is nonsense. I am NOT old.  But “young” hardly applies anymore it seems. Guess Im somewhere in between.

All this thinking of time passing by reminds me of all the things I wanted to do that I haven’t done yet. I recently had a nightmare that woke me up in the middle of the night. I can only remember 1 or 2 other times in my whole life that Ive had a dream like that. So, I decided to try to figure out what it meant. But how does one go about interpreting their own dreams, you ask? The internet, of course!

Now, I don’t buy into some random dream website for the end-all be-all in exact dream interpretation, but theres lots of research out there about common symbols in dreams and what they mean or something like that, so who knows. Just thought it would be interesting to try to figure it out.

Turns out that random dream website thinks I have issues with my job, future career, expectations, identity, loneliness, helplessness, frustration, and “unclear” issues.

Well, that sure was helpful. Good to know my subconscious has issues with practically every area of my life.

But really, who doesn’t struggle with these issues on a semi-regular basis? I mean, yes, certain areas of life will go good for a time, but then things get hard. Hardships come and go all the time. Such is life.

We all have dreams. We all have desires and goals and passions and things we want to do… and things we want to do before we get “old”. These things don’t always work out the way we hope, and certainly not as soon as we wish they would. In fact, they hardly ever do.

But do we give up hope?

Do we believe the lies?

I know for me, and I think I have mentioned this before, it is so easy to get caught up in my own life and self to the point where I don’t even realize the many lies I have bought into and started to believe.

Like, (and these are my honest struggles) there’s no way this dream that God has placed in my heart will ever really work. I don’t have the skills or the talent or the know-how. I am not capable. I don’t have anyone who will help me. I have no idea what Im doing here. I don’t belong here. I should just give up, do something easier, blend in with everyone else. Etc, etc, etc…

But those are LIES.

God will ALWAYS give you what you need to do what He wants you to do. – Derrick Scott

So use your passion, focus on your strengths, be willing to learn, and don’t waste anymore time.

Don’t get me wrong, life can and will be disappointing a lot of the time. Going after your dreams is hard freakin work. But everything worth anything is going to cost you something. At times you will fail, but failure is not defeat. It is opportunity and challenge.

Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don’t recognize them. – Ann Landers

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. – Henry Ford

I think Im starting to sound like a broken record. Guess I need to keep reminding myself of these things.

It is easy to lose hope.

Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, “My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God”?

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

–      Isaiah 40:27-31

God cares. He has not forgotten about you. He is the Creator of EVERYTHING, including you, and He knows you inside and out. He never gets tired – He energizes those who are tired so they can run and not grow weary, soar like eagles, and not lag behind. The Message version refers to “hope” in these verses as “fresh strength” (I like that). He cares for His children like a shepherd cares for his flock, leading them into good pastures. Leading them into GOOD pastures. He has our best interest at heart. He will not abandon us. He wants to give us the future we hope for. He listens when we call out to Him.

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. – Romans 5:3-5

His timing is perfect. Trust is the issue. Don’t quit in hard times, it will be worth all the pain. Expect God to come through – He is faithful.

refined, not defined

12 Jul

I think I only blog when I should be doing other things. Like studying. For my Finance test tomorrow. Yuck.

Here is something I heard today:  

“Your past does not define you, it refines you.”  – Jason Burns

 

So that’s what got me thinking. I mean, it’s true I think. I am not defined by my past (mistakes or otherwise), but rather I am made better because of my past, because of the things I went through and experienced and the choices I made – I have learned and grown and overcome, which makes the current, present me improved and refined. It makes sense. And I like it.

I’m a fan of this whole “improvement” idea. I think one of my greatest fears in life is to be stagnant… too gripped by fear or self-doubt or insecurities to move forward and be all that I am created to be. I want to be constantly improving, actively pursuing my purpose in life. Always.

But many times I do get stuck. Frustration and panic and fear settle into my heart and I feel as if there is nothing I can do. It is so easy to believe the lies. To start to believe that I am nothing. Nothing of worth or value. Nothing that can really do anything to make a positive impact or change in the lives of other people or in the culture around me.

But that is what they are. Lies.

Jesus = Truth. In Christ, we are overcomers. There is nothing our God cannot do. We are His children, and as such we have power – the same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in me!

But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you. (Romans 8:10-11)

 

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth. (Acts 1:8)

 

He replied, “I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.” (Luke 10:18-19)

 

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. (Romans 8:37)

 

The same power. My mind cannot fully comprehend. Makes me wonder what I have been missing. If the same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in ME – that’s an insane amount of power… and I have not even begun to tap into it.

Christ conquered the grave. He overcame death. And that same power lives in me. Therefore, I have conquered death also – this life is not the end. When I die, my earthly body will be gone but my soul will be alive with Him forever eternally. In Christ we too have overcome death, through death. And we put to death every day our sin nature, our old selves, our bound and broken shells that were slaves to sin.

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (Eph 4:22-24)

 

So here is something else I heard recently… if death has no more power over us, then that verse about walking through the valley of the shadow of death really means just that. It is not death. It is just a valley in its shadow. Because in Christ we have overcome death already.

When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.” “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. (I Cor 15:54-57)

 

And He is with us. Always. In those times when we are walking through the darkest places of our lives. In those times when we feel so close to death as to be in its shadow… except deeper… like a valley in its shadow. He is there with you.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4)

 

He loves me. He will never leave me. He comforts me. He empowers me. Why do I search for anything else – as if He is not enough? He is my all in all. And by that I mean He is everything, all that I need, in every situation and challenge in my life. More than enough.

For nothing is impossible with God. (Luke 1:37)

 

Yet I still struggle within myself. I want so badly to be speaking the truth of my heart and soul when I sing words like “You’re all I want, You’re all I’ve ever needed” but the prideful voice of my “old self” fights me all the time. It says “No. He is not. You can’t sing that. He is NOT all you want. You want lots of other things. You don’t really think He is all you need, you need other things too.”

But then I think… everything good in my life is from Him. Because of Him.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:17)

 

He has never failed to bring me through every hard time – to help me overcome. He created me. He knows my name and the number of hairs on my head. He died so that I could be with Him forever. He loves me more than I understand. He makes all things new – He continually restores me, each day a new day, each breath a gift. He gives me life – He IS all I want and ever needed.

I can’t imagine a life without You because its all for You.

mind games

6 Jun

People can have very skewed perceptions of themselves.

Myself included at times, but, how would I know? I’m just saying, you think you are a certain kind of person, you think you act a certain way and do certain things for certain reasons, but maybe that’s just the person you THINK you are (or maybe want to be) and not who you actually are.

When things happen that we do not understand, it is only natural that we ponder them and perhaps even over-analyze all the reasons why. We try to justify why they treated us that way or why we feel the way we do about the situation, just to give it a name, to get it out and figured out so we can learn from it and either fix it or move on and do things differently next time. But what if all our reasonings were wrong? What if we are basing everything on justifications that were never true? If we don’t know the truth, how can we react in the best way for ourselves?

So maybe you think you are doing the right thing, but you’re not. That happens all the time. Maybe its because we only hear what we want to hear, and we are selfish human beings who do what we want, to get what we want when we want it. Maybe we think we are the kind of person who takes the high road, but we don’t . Maybe we are just all talk. Maybe we deceive ourselves.

Its interesting how every decision you make can affect those around you. Some just a little, but some a lot. And every decision you make affects how those around you perceive you. Your actions speak louder than words. But people interpret your actions in different ways. Can you ever win? Sometimes it seems like no matter what you decide, and no matter what you actually do, somebody gets hurt. And maybe that’s not your fault, but maybe it is.

Its frustrating to try to please everyone. Which I guess is why pleasing everyone should not be your goal. I know they say you should just be true to yourself, because you are the only one you have to answer to every day. But it’s a dangerous line to walk. On one side, you do what you want, you don’t care who gets hurt, you focus on yourself and your selfish desires and once you attain them you forget about everyone else except those who immediately affect YOUR happiness. On the other side, you’re a people-pleaser who gets walked all over and makes decisions based on what makes other people happy instead of yourself, and you end up miserable because you’re not ever doing what YOU want. Surely there is a balance…. people try to balance as they walk the line between the two. But peoples lines are placed in different places – the lines don’t all match up exactly. And some people just aren’t good at walking a line, and they slip to one side or the other, even though they talk all about how awesome the line they are supposedly walking is.

Sorry if this doesn’t make sense. There is a lot of mumbo-jumbo spilling out of my brain. I guess part of what I’m saying is that yeah, nobody is perfect, but maybe we should quit fooling ourselves into believing we are someone that we aren’t. Sometimes it’s hard to be brutally honest with yourself. To quit feeding yourself lies. To find the truth and embrace it.

I find great comfort in knowing that God knows me better than I know myself. If only I listened more often to the things that He tells me about myself – the Truth that He has to offer about who I am in Him, my identity in Christ – rather than my own lies and self-deceiving perceptions.

I think sometimes we are scared to face the truth about ourselves because we think we won’t like what we see. The broken mess we have made of our life. But God has overcome all the darkness and shame to bring us light and hope and freedom.

I don’t pretend to understand it. I just know there is a better way to live, and I want it. Trade my guilt and confusion and selfishness for hope and peace and true love.

Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live. (Isaiah 55:1-3a)