Emotional ramblings of a broken slinky

7 Jun

I’ve had a lot on my mind recently. To be honest, my emotions are on overload as I feel pulled in so many directions – all stretched out and unable to return to normal size. Like a sad, stretched-out, broken slinky. That’s how I feel inside.

And I wonder how this happened? How did I get to this stretched-out slinky state of mind?

It was a progression I guess. Very sneaky.

I look to my future, and see the move is coming quickly, more quickly than I had realized. It wasn’t real, it was too far off, and now BAM its right in front of my face! Yes, dare I say, the idea of change is starting to freak me out. Oh transitions. I am human, after all.

I look to my past, and I cannot help but feel haunted by my mistakes and poor choices – those ugly, selfish ones. You know what I’m talking about. We’ve all been there. Some days I feel as though I have let them go, and other days I cannot stop thinking about them. When will I be able to stop beating myself up over things that are done and over with? Why can’t I just learn from them and move on? I do not know. I wish I did because I am feeling the weight and, quite frankly, its still heavy as hell.

I look around where I am, and I wonder how I will ever live up to expectations. Even in the now, it is a struggle to keep up with everything on my plate. And to make things worse, I begin to compare myself to others who are able to accomplish so much more than I am, and feel like a loser – useless and incapable of even the small things.

And I realize there is common theme in all of this, which is placing too much value on what others think about me. Maybe it’s a girl thing, but acceptance is important – yes, a little a lot TOO important. It’s always been a struggle. It’s always been a sneaky little sucker.

But the fact remains. I just don’t like hurting people, I don’t like being the source of their pain or unhappiness, I don’t like letting them down, I don’t like disappointing them. Disapproval kinda makes me nauseous. And its not just me. The desire for acceptance is a driving force in many people’s lives. And when you care more about being accepted than doing the right thing, you’re bound to make some questionable decisions… and then try to justify them.

Why don’t I make more decisions based on honoring God?

I have been challenged recently in the area of character. That is, doing the right thing (according to God, not necessarily me or other people – that’s important) no matter the cost or the circumstances. That’s right, time to take a good hard look in the mirror and really decide if doing what is right is more important than being accepted or, well, anything else.

Sure, we all value character. We just value it more in others than in ourselves.

Don’t get it twisted.

Doing the right thing sucks sometimes a lot of times, but that is life. I know that character and responsibility are not exactly my finest qualities, but I wish they were a little higher on my strengths list.

If we really want to develop better character, we need to stop simply reacting to our circumstances and start responding based on honoring Him and doing the right thing no matter what. It is true that we grow the most through the hard times. Allow Him to use those times to mature and shape us even more into who He wants us to be. Perhaps God cares more about our character and who we are becoming than our comfort.

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One Response to “Emotional ramblings of a broken slinky”

  1. Ghost Cadet July 10, 2010 at 10:44 pm #

    Believe it or not you and I have a lot more in common than I ever would have thought! I’ve been in the same boat actually for a few months. Leaving the job that I’d had for almost 3 years to an unknown is nothing short of hard. I feel like I’m letting my buddies, ones who are like family down. I know it’s all part of God’s plan but sometimes it just sucks at the present. I hardly know you and yet I feel like there is a few similarities that are striking. I wish I had the chance to get to know you better but I completely understand where you are coming from. It will all work out in the end. Before you leave I hope to have the chance to hangout with you. Hot tub at your place? Hahaha. Hope it works out, and seriously if you’d like to talk I’d love to. Your Friend,
    Ghost Cadet.

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