2 Apr

Lost my muchness, have I?

Yes, I’m about to jump on the Mad Hatter bandwagon, but not because of Johnny Depp, don’t worry. After watching the new Tim Burton version of “Alice in Wonderland” a couple weeks ago, I left the theater with one word in my head.


You used to be much more… muchier. Yes, you were much more Alice the last time we met. You have lost your muchness.

– Mad Hatter

As I listened to the Hatter say this to Alice, I couldn’t help but feel like he was saying it to me as well. Like, directly to me. It was as if he said my name instead of Alice’s. I mean, what was that? What did he say? He thinks I’ve lost my muchness? Me?? Everything in me sat up and started paying attention as I realized that I too had lost my muchness… and I became Alice in that moment. I felt just as small as she was in that scene. All of a sudden I grew incredibly self-conscious and uncomfortable, as if I had really just been called out in front of a huge theater full of strangers and friends alike, certain they could all see right through me — to every insecurity I had hidden inside. Did the Mad Hatter just air my dirty laundry? How embarrassing.

But we all go through this at some point. We all lose our way, take a different turn than we thought we would, get confused, stumble down a rabbit hole. We all go through times where we feel as though we have lost a piece of ourselves, of who we are, or who we once were. We lose sight of our dreams, we misplace our passions and sense of wonderment. Somewhere along the way, we decided (consciously or not) that we would rather drown in the expectations of others than stay true to our own path and who we really are. Add on job/career stress and grown-up responsibilities and before we know it, we barely recognize that face in the mirror. Its older, yes, but its missing something other than youth.

Where is our muchness? That spark? That fire and passion and sense of wonderment? What happened to our heart and focus and even sanity? Don’t we want to be all that we were meant to be? In full? In much muchness?

I do.

But here I am, feeling small and insignificant and lacking much muchness. What can I possibly do? Throw myself a pitty-party, obviously.  Because that helps…  oh wait.

Yeah, the Hatter tells Alice she used to be much muchier, and I think that is where we easily get stuck. Thinking about how we used to be so this or that. Looking back is not enough. If you want to reclaim your muchness, you have to do something about it in the here and now.

So I stumbled across one of the Terminator movies on tv a couple weeks ago, and I got sucked in (I cant help it, I love the Terminator movies!) – and there was one scene where John Connor gets all depressy and “why me” talking about how he is never going to be this John Connor that leads the resistance to victory in the future like everyone has been telling him his whole life, and he tells the Terminator to just leave him behind, etc. The Terminator picks him up by the throat and starts to choke him saying “You’re right, you’re not the one I want. Im wasting my time.” To this, John Connor gets angry and starts yelling and cursing at the Terminator. The Terminator releases him, and says “That’s better. Anger is more useful than despair. Basic psychology is among my sub-routines.” Haha.

Anger is more useful than despair.


I’m beginning to think the Terminator is right. I can’t accomplish anything while feeling sorry for myself. I have to want to change it, and in a way, that comes from getting angry – angry about the situation, enough to want to do something about it. Of course, anger isn’t always the best way to deal with things, but fighting for something is better than losing all hope, and that’s really where I’m going with this.

I am tried of feeling lost and without hope. I am tired of living in regret and shame. I don’t want that life. That is not LIFE.

I’ve been obsessed with the band 30 Seconds To Mars lately – their newest CD “This Is War” is awesome, but I think there is a deeper reason to why I like it so much. It’s all about… well, war – fighting for victory.  The band members describe the album in some interviews:

There’s no mistake that the record is called ‘This Is War’ – we came back to Los Angeles, went to make an album and the world fell apart… It’s a large part of fighting for what you believe in… We are big believers in freedom and fighting for the truth… There’s a lot of joy and celebration, it’s a very uplifting, very empowering feeling… Even [in the song] ‘Kings and Queens’ there’s a triumphant feeling of the possibilities that we all have, you know, and in ‘This Is War’ I think you feel a confidence and a celebration and a positivity.


Change was an important theme this time around and you can feel it. However, as dark and reflective as some of the moments on this CD can be, there is always a huge sense of optimism and celebration. It was a battle. And in a way, it’s about going to war. Going to war with yourself and winning.

– 30 STM

The CD is full of battle songs. The music is a sort of call to arms, a call to fight for the possibilities of a new and better life, or whatever it is you are fighting for. For me, it’s a reminder that I can choose to change. There is a war inside of me, and I am losing, hardcore, because I have given up. I have forgotten to fight. But that is about to change. I can choose to fight to get out of this mess I feel so trapped by. I can fight to reclaim my muchness. I can fight the good fight, the inner struggle of self and sin versus hope and freedom and Truth. I know that God can make me new again, as He has done many times before, but I have to want it. I can fight this fight because in Christ I have already won.

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? – Romans 8:31

But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. – I Timothy 6:11-12

So I have decided to fight.  Much like Alice in the final fight of the movie, deciding to fight, showing everyone that she has just as much muchness as ever. We can either stay stuck, fooling ourselves by trying to drive forward when we can’t take our eyes off the rear view mirror… or we can fight.


2 Responses to “Muchness”

  1. Christine April 3, 2011 at 8:07 pm #

    I had a quite similar thought process (except for the Terminator part–that was a fun tweak to my thoughts!). I just finished watching Alice in Wonderland and I searched for muchness and found your blog.

    I am 46. I think that many people continually rediscover their muchness through out life. Everyday we make the choice to be much muchier. Have you read “Chasing Daylight” by McManus?

    • thekades April 4, 2011 at 1:45 pm #

      No I haven’t read that one, I’ll have to check it out! I’ve listened to a few of his podcasts though, they are usually pretty interesting. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

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