Killing Time

So I’m writing this from my iPhone. It probably won’t be that long because it’s pretty much like Im texting this whole thing. Haha.

“That ship has sailed.” This expression has been on my mind a lot lately, for many different reasons. But it has made me wonder… is there anything I can do to make that ship come back? I mean, ships sail, they do, and that’s good and all, but really, the ship is sailing without you. That’s the idea. You missed it. Nothing you can do. Such is life.

Sometimes I just wish I had made it to the ship in time.

The what-ifs and the if-onlys begin to consume your thoughts. You could have made it if… what would it be like if you made this decision over that one…

It’s hard to see the ship from a distance, knowing the people on it are having a grand ol time. Without you. It’s a sucky feeling to be left on the shore. Alone.

Guess some of us are just waiting for the right ship to sail on.

refined, not defined

I think I only blog when I should be doing other things. Like studying. For my Finance test tomorrow. Yuck.

 

Here is something I heard today:  

 

“Your past does not define you, it refines you.”  – Jason Burns

 

So that’s what got me thinking. I mean, it’s true I think. I am not defined by my past (mistakes or otherwise), but rather I am made better because of my past, because of the things I went through and experienced and the choices I made – I have learned and grown and overcome, which makes the current, present me improved and refined. It makes sense. And I like it.

 

I’m a fan of this whole “improvement” idea. I think one of my greatest fears in life is to be stagnant… too gripped by fear or self-doubt or insecurities to move forward and be all that I am created to be. I want to be constantly improving, actively pursuing my purpose in life. Always.

 

But many times I do get stuck. Frustration and panic and fear settle into my heart and I feel as if there is nothing I can do. It is so easy to believe the lies. To start to believe that I am nothing. Nothing of worth or value. Nothing that can really do anything to make a positive impact or change in the lives of other people or in the culture around me.

 

But that is what they are. Lies.

 

Jesus = Truth. In Christ, we are overcomers. There is nothing our God cannot do. We are His children, and as such we have power – the same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in me!

 

But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you. (Romans 8:10-11)

 

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth. (Acts 1:8)

 

He replied, “I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.” (Luke 10:18-19)

 

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. (Romans 8:37)

 

The same power. My mind cannot fully comprehend. Makes me wonder what I have been missing. If the same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in ME – that’s an insane amount of power… and I have not even begun to tap into it.

 

Christ conquered the grave. He overcame death. And that same power lives in me. Therefore, I have conquered death also – this life is not the end. When I die, my earthly body will be gone but my soul will be alive with Him forever eternally. In Christ we too have overcome death, through death. And we put to death every day our sin nature, our old selves, our bound and broken shells that were slaves to sin.

 

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (Eph 4:22-24)

 

So here is something else I heard recently… if death has no more power over us, then that verse about walking through the valley of the shadow of death really means just that. It is not death. It is just a valley in its shadow. Because in Christ we have overcome death already.

 

When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.” “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. (I Cor 15:54-57)

 

And He is with us. Always. In those times when we are walking through the darkest places of our lives. In those times when we feel so close to death as to be in its shadow… except deeper… like a valley in its shadow. He is there with you.

 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4)

 

He loves me. He will never leave me. He comforts me. He empowers me. Why do I search for anything else – as if He is not enough? He is my all in all. And by that I mean He is everything, all that I need, in every situation and challenge in my life. More than enough.

 

For nothing is impossible with God. (Luke 1:37)

 

Yet I still struggle within myself. I want so badly to be speaking the truth of my heart and soul when I sing words like “You’re all I want, You’re all I’ve ever needed” but the prideful voice of my “old self” fights me all the time. It says “No. He is not. You can’t sing that. He is NOT all you want. You want lots of other things. You don’t really think He is all you need, you need other things too.”

 

But then I think… everything good in my life is from Him. Because of Him.

 

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:17)

 

He has never failed to bring me through every hard time – to help me overcome. He created me. He knows my name and the number of hairs on my head. He died so that I could be with Him forever. He loves me more than I understand. He makes all things new – He continually restores me, each day a new day, each breath a gift. He gives me life – He IS all I want and ever needed.

 

I can’t imagine a life without You because its all for You.

relationships and such.

I have come to a somewhat sad and disturbing realization about myself:

I am too selfish to be in a relationship.

Listen, relationships require compromise. This we all know. And there are healthy compromises and not-so-healthy compromises, like, there’s a difference between giving in to using a different kind of laundry detergent the other person likes better, and changing who you are in order to be with them. To a certain extent, you DO need to compromise, but you also need to be true to yourself, and who YOU are – who God created you to be, your purpose and identity in Him, your passions and desires and personality. You can’t change it all to make it fit better with whoever you want to be with. You can’t suppress all that makes you you in order to be who they need you to be. I mean, you can, but you shouldn’t. So don’t.

There’s a difference between making sacrifices for the other person out of love and respect, and sacrificing everything that makes you you –and everything that makes you happy (your goals/desires)- to be with someone who you think will make you happier. Because odds are, they won’t. No matter how hard you try, it won’t be worth it in the end. For either of you. And quite honestly, it’s unfair of you to put that on them – to make them your sole source of happiness. No person can completely satisfy you – only Christ.

Most likely, you’ll end up either compromising everything while the other person doesn’t at all (or vice versa), or you both compromise so much that neither of you are really happy because you’re only living half the life you’re meant to be living. Instead of becoming whole and being one together, you handicap each other.

You must embrace who you are. Your personality, your gifts, your identity in Christ, your purpose/vision/mission in life, all of it – and don’t compromise it for anyone. Someone will come along who will fit without being forced. You will still need to compromise, but you wont have to give up who you are and what you need to be everything they need – and vice versa.

Maybe that’s how you know? I’ve always thought the “right person” would be someone that makes you better – where you are both better together than you are apart. (Does this exist?)

So this is why I say that I am too selfish for a relationship. I am not willing to compromise certain things that make me who I am. Maybe I am too “free-spirited” and full of potential to be “controlled” and held back. I have too much to look forward to, too much I want to experience, and I don’t want to settle here. I don’t want to suffocate all that I am meant to be. And maybe there is someone out there who understands that.

I don’t know. I think that might be why relationships end. One person just isn’t ready to give as much as the other, or as much as the other wants them to.

But where is the line?

Where is the line between being selfish and not sacrificing who you are? Perhaps those two things are different. Cant you be who you are without focusing solely on yourself? As Christ-followers, we are called to be all He has created us to be, as well as servants who put others first, right? So is it wrong to pick yourself over someone else? To make yourself happy instead of the other person? Maybe that, in itself, is the problem. If you are having to make that choice, then its probably not a good relationship. Right? Because apparently you should be doing both? Or what if making them happy IS what makes you happy? But then your happiness is defined by someone else. Soooooooo that cant be good, right?

But of course there are times where you have to sacrifice your happiness for the other person’s. Life isn’t all about the pursuit of happiness. Its about glorifying God with the life He has graciously given you. True happiness and joy come from the Lord.

But does this mean we are to live a completely sacrificial life? One where we have no concern for ourselves at all and solely focus on others? I mean, there’s a point where you give so much that you get walked all over. And is THAT what we are supposed to be doing? I don’t think so. But I don’t really know. Now I’m talking myself in circles.

It’s kind of confusing really. This relationship between selfishness and being true to oneself. Is being “true to oneself” even a Biblical concept? I mean, there’s stuff about finding your identity in Him, being created in His image, Him giving each of us a plan and a purpose and hope for the future… So if you’re living your own purpose and going after your dreams (if they glorify God), then that can’t be classified as selfishness really, can it?

Okay, I think I’m getting off track.

What I wanted to point out was that sometimes people just don’t work. And not for any huge reason like cheating or abuse, but simply because they have different perspectives, different personalities, different dreams, different passions, etc. I’m not saying these all have to line up for a relationship to work, because they don’t. I’m saying its okay. Know who you are, know what you need, and don’t become less to fit someone else. Its okay if it doesn’t work, because there is something better. And maybe I sound like a hopeless romantic, but after much depressing thought and self-pitty moments I have emerged to the other side, and I am choosing to believe it. There IS someone better. A better fit for who I am, a compliment.

 

“But when my loneliness is through, I’m gunna find another you.” – John Mayer

 

But make no mistake. I am thankful for all the past relationships in my life thus far (some more than others). I would not be who I am without them, and I have learned some valuable lessons. No regrets. The pain from my past, while I wouldn’t choose to go through it again, is now seen only as times where Jesus had the opportunity to heal the broken pieces, set me free once again, and bring beauty from ashes.

To do what He do. You know.

That time I survived a huge killer wasp of death.

So I was sitting there, studying (hard to believe, I know) all alone in the dungeon (the office room on the bottom floor of my house) when I heard something. It was a slight buzzing sound. A buzzing sound that can only belong to certain …creatures. A sound that triggers something in my brain to freak out and causes fear to strike my poor little heart. And then, just as the fear started to sink in, out of the corner of my eye I saw it. In the air. Coming closer. Flying around. Flying towards me.

 

A HUGE FREAKIN KILLER WASP OF DEATH.

 

INSIDE my house!

 

Flying around trying to KILL ME!

 

And I mean huge, people. We’re talking like the length of a finger. A grown man’s finger. Like as long as a pack of gum. The stick kind, not the little Orbit pieces. Or like the size of those safety scissors for kids. And it was as if it grew as it flew! It freaks me out just thinking about it.

 

 

Pause: Some useful backstory on me: I hate bugs. Especially flying ones that sting. Or creepy crawly ones. Or just bugs in general. NOT cool. One time when I was younger I screamed bloody murder in the backseat of the car while my mom was driving and she literally had to pull off the road because she thought I was dying. She was very upset when she found out that I had seen a little spider on the seat next to me. She had to lie and tell me that she found and killed it before I would get back in the car. I would like to think I’ve come a long way since then, but I’m really not sure.

 

 

UnPause: So killer wasp of death is flying towards me and I am squealing like a little girl and using a piece of paper I had been writing on as a face-shield, and I freeze. Apparently I need to work on my fight-or-flight response. It buzzes around my face for a second and then flies back over to the sliding glass door across the room… maybe he was looking longingly outside, yearning to get back out where he belonged… or maybe he had simply relocated to plot his attack-strategy… I don’t know, and quite frankly I did not care. I was too concerned with how I was going to survive.

 

So I realize that I am all alone in the house and nobody can come to my rescue. So what do I do? What any good young American with access to the Internet would do. I announce to the Facebook world that I am about to be killed by a huge flying WASP OF DEATH in my own home, and plead for someone to come save me.

 

Of course that doesn’t really do anything except possibly allow the cops to figure out cause of death when they find me. So minutes come and go, and the death-wasp has not ventured back out of its safe-haven across the room, so I try to just pretend that nothing ever happened and the wasp is really outside and try to concentrate on studying again. More minutes pass and the huge killer-wasp re-emerges from its shelter. This time with a vengeance and furry as it recklessly darts around the air space between us. I am completely freaked by this point and, using my paper-face-shield, I flee from the room and up the stairs. Flight, not fight (or freeze) this round.

 

It is at this point when Friend #1 randomly texts me. I quickly respond with a “killer wasp of death trying to kill me please help” message, to which they reply with a laugh and a suggestion to call Friend #2 over to come kill it. I take this advice, as Friend #1 always gives good advice and it would be unwise of me not to. Friend #2 also finds the situation humorous but agrees to said act of violence against the evil wasp. Or set it free. Either way. Friend #2 says he will let me know when he is on his way, and I am much appreciative.

 

After a while, I venture back down the stairs in order to make sure I don’t lose sight of the wretched flying death-creature, and to hopefully continue studying if possible, and I see that it has relocated to directly above the front door. It wasn’t moving, just camping out on the wall above the door… trying to make me think it was “sleeping” or something, so I creep past it and back to the dungeon. I try to study some more.

 

Next thing I know, an hour has passed and Friend #2 is dead to me. Apparently the words “huge killer wasp of death” did not invoke a sense of urgency within him. Luckily though, at this point, the killer-wasp is still “sleeping” on the wall, and I cannot see it from the dungeon, so my nerves have calmed down quite a bit. It is during this time that Friend #3 calls. He needs to pick something up from my house. I tell him he is only allowed to do so if he kills/frees wasp-of-certain-doom. He agrees as long as I throw in a water bottle for the road. I tell him he can have as many water bottles as he wants if he gets death-wasp out of my house. Deal.

 

Minutes later, Friend #3 arrives, and I am perplexed as to how to open the front door with huge-killer-sleeping-wasp directly above it. With a deep breath and ninja-like moves, I quickly reach out, unlock, open, and back away from the door. Friend #3 is laughing as I point upward in the direction of the no longer sleeping wasp-of-death. Friend #3 grabs a shoe, throws it at the killer-wasp, and misses. I fear for both of our lives as now killer-wasp is angry, but Friend #3 swings the shoe some more and somehow, miraculously, death-wasp flies out the door into freedom.

 

Everyone should have a Friend #3.

 

And that is the story of how I survived the huge killer wasp of death.

mind games

People can have very skewed perceptions of themselves.

Myself included at times, but, how would I know? I’m just saying, you think you are a certain kind of person, you think you act a certain way and do certain things for certain reasons, but maybe that’s just the person you THINK you are (or maybe want to be) and not who you actually are.

When things happen that we do not understand, it is only natural that we ponder them and perhaps even over-analyze all the reasons why. We try to justify why they treated us that way or why we feel the way we do about the situation, just to give it a name, to get it out and figured out so we can learn from it and either fix it or move on and do things differently next time. But what if all our reasonings were wrong? What if we are basing everything on justifications that were never true? If we don’t know the truth, how can we react in the best way for ourselves?

So maybe you think you are doing the right thing, but you’re not. That happens all the time. Maybe its because we only hear what we want to hear, and we are selfish human beings who do what we want, to get what we want when we want it. Maybe we think we are the kind of person who takes the high road, but we don’t . Maybe we are just all talk. Maybe we deceive ourselves.

Its interesting how every decision you make can affect those around you. Some just a little, but some a lot. And every decision you make affects how those around you perceive you. Your actions speak louder than words. But people interpret your actions in different ways. Can you ever win? Sometimes it seems like no matter what you decide, and no matter what you actually do, somebody gets hurt. And maybe that’s not your fault, but maybe it is.

Its frustrating to try to please everyone. Which I guess is why pleasing everyone should not be your goal. I know they say you should just be true to yourself, because you are the only one you have to answer to every day. But it’s a dangerous line to walk. On one side, you do what you want, you don’t care who gets hurt, you focus on yourself and your selfish desires and once you attain them you forget about everyone else except those who immediately affect YOUR happiness. On the other side, you’re a people-pleaser who gets walked all over and makes decisions based on what makes other people happy instead of yourself, and you end up miserable because you’re not ever doing what YOU want. Surely there is a balance…. people try to balance as they walk the line between the two. But peoples lines are placed in different places – the lines don’t all match up exactly. And some people just aren’t good at walking a line, and they slip to one side or the other, even though they talk all about how awesome the line they are supposedly walking is.

Sorry if this doesn’t make sense. There is a lot of mumbo-jumbo spilling out of my brain. I guess part of what I’m saying is that yeah, nobody is perfect, but maybe we should quit fooling ourselves into believing we are someone that we aren’t. Sometimes it’s hard to be brutally honest with yourself. To quit feeding yourself lies. To find the truth and embrace it.

I find great comfort in knowing that God knows me better than I know myself. If only I listened more often to the things that He tells me about myself – the Truth that He has to offer about who I am in Him, my identity in Christ – rather than my own lies and self-deceiving perceptions.

I think sometimes we are scared to face the truth about ourselves because we think we won’t like what we see. The broken mess we have made of our life. But God has overcome all the darkness and shame to bring us light and hope and freedom.

I don’t pretend to understand it. I just know there is a better way to live, and I want it. Trade my guilt and confusion and selfishness for hope and peace and true love.

Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live. (Isaiah 55:1-3a)

risk

A turtle never moves forward until he sticks his neck out.

 

To move forward, you have to take some risks.

 

Check this out, the Bible is not a book that was written for our information, but for our transformation. When we choose to believe in the promises that God has to offer, when we actually apply those truths to our everyday lives, we will find the reward is well worth the effort.

 

Easier said that done though, right? In this life, it takes a lot of courage to risk everything on God’s promises. Like, when I put my hope in His promises, I’m pretty much betting my whole life on something I haven’t seen or experienced yet.

 

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. (Romans 8:24-25)

 

 Which is where faith comes in I guess.

 

 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1)

 

Maybe sometimes we are supposed to do things the hard way. If we constantly do the whole pain-avoidance strategy, playing it safe, never taking chances, never dreaming bigger than what we are now… because we are afraid to trust God, afraid He wont hold up His end, afraid He will disappoint, afraid He wont handle it the way we want Him to (the safe, easy, pain-free way we are comfortable with)… then we actually inflict greater pain on ourselves. It’s ironic. By trying to avoid pain, we end up with more of it.

 

For me at least, I feel like I actually learn more from my mistakes than my successes. Mistakes teach us more about ourselves, more about reality. Pain often does that I think. I try not to see mistakes as mistakes though – as long as I’ve learned something, it was worth it. And I most likely wont make the same mistake again. There’s something about “learning the hard way” that really sticks with you.

 

There are times when God invites us and leads us in a direction that we are scared or uncomfortable going, and we choose not to trust Him. But God has our best interests at heart. He truly, deeply LOVES and cares about you. He created you, He knows you better than anyone, and He wants you to reach your full potential – what you were created for! He wants your life to glorify Him.

 

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:31)

 

If you have God on your side, what is stopping you?? Anything worthwhile is going to be hard to get. It’s worth the risk.

 

Stick your neck out.

 

And don’t stop. Its not always going to work out. Pain is part of life. Embrace it. As hard as it may be. Because if you keep avoiding pain, you’re going to miss out.  Dream big and pursue those dreams. Take the risk to follow wherever He is leading you.

 

Don’t let fear hold you back.

 

And when you come to a painful place, hold fast hope. Hold fast to the hope that you have in Christ, the promises and truth that He has provided. If you walk away from Him when things get tough, you will never experience all the awesome things God can do in spite of your seemingly hopeless situation. That’s what He does best – take the broken pieces and put them back together, even better than before. Beauty from ashes. He wants to bring you out of the dark mess you’re in, and into the bright fullness of life that only He offers.

 

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10)

 

Sin is reality. Pain is reality. Suffering is reality. Having God on your side does NOT mean everything is easy and pain-free, but it DOES mean that He is your ever-present help in times of need, your comforter, your protector, your peace that transcends understanding. He is love and He is good and He is on your side. He has a plan for you, He knows whats going on, and His timing is always perfect.

 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

 

So if you believe it, live like it.

 

In the Bible theres a story where Jacob wrestles with an angel (Gen 32:22-32). Now, I don’t presume to completely understand this story, but here’s the way I see it:  Jacob’s brother, Esau, wants to kill him because Jacob tricked him out of all his inheritance mulah. Esau is a big ol burly hunter with an army of like 400 bandits. Jacob is a little soft guy who likes to play with animals and talk to women. Esau could totally kill Jacob if he wanted to, which he did. So Jacob’s running away with his peeps to stay alive and they’re camping out one night, and Jacob decides to go off by himself to pray and be alone and sleep under the stars. Someone attacks him, they start fighting, turns out its an angel. (Weird.) They wrestle. The angel throws Jacob’s hip out of joint. Its uber-painful. Jacob keeps wrestling. All night. With a wrenched hip. He wont let go until he gets God’s blessing. The angel finally gives in a Jacob is given a new name. He goes from Jacob “the cheater”, to Israel “the overcomer”. The rest of his life he walks with limp. And a smile. 

 

Here’s what I get from this. Even when he is scared and in pain, Jacob wont let go of the angel until he receives a new name. He no longer wants to be known as a cheater, he wants God to give him a new name – he wants to be an overcomer. And God does just that. When Jacob cries out for God’s favor and protection, when he clings to His promise in the midst of a tough painful situation, God is faithful to bring him through. In Christ we are overcomers.

 

It’s a risk to live the life He calls us to. But it’s the only way to truly live. Don’t run from the pain, let God help you overcome it.

2 things.

2 things in my life that always make any day better:

 

1) Jesus

2) Publix subs

hair dye and Ebenezer

So I still have hair dye all over my hands/arms. Last night, I went with some friends from my cosmetology school to a church “ladies night” event to cut and color hair. It was so fun! There were tons of ladies wanting all kinds of fun colors and things, and I didnt get home until after 1am! Was it totally worth it? Yes. And not just because it was fun, which it was, but because of the people – my friends from cosmo as well as the girls at the church.

 

We all set up our lil makeshift salon in the back half of this small room/kitchen, and had the girls sit in those metal folding-chairs randomly placed all over. Everyone was everywhere and there was so much laughter and interaction in this sort of laid-back “fellowship” environment that I couldn’t help but smile and be genuinely glad to be participating in their community, even if just for a few hours. It was like catching a glimpse of family. The ladies were all so nice and fun and they kept making us plates of all kinds of snacks and desserts and drinks they had all brought. They were all ages, from middle school to grandmas, and even a handful in their 20s like me (although most of those were already married with babies). They all commented on how “cute” we all looked, haha, and I noticed that most of them actually learned our names. Maybe its just me, but I think there’s just something about being addressed by your name that makes you feel like that person actually cares about you, especially if you have just met them.

 

At one point I looked around the room at all my cosmo friends as we were workin away and laughing and enjoying it all, and I thought about how blessed I was. I have only known these girls since starting the program in August, but already I care so much for them. They are my friends. They all have stories, they all have issues, and they all have big hearts. We are not so different. That’s the thing about people I guess, when you really get to know care enough to get to know their hearts, then they open up to you, and you see them in a different light, on a deeper level, no longer as just co-workers or acquaintances but friends. It reminds me of that quote that’s cheesy but true:

Nobody cares about what you know until they know how much you care.

When I looked around that room, I wanted to take a mental picture, capture the feeling, put the moment in my pocket so I could pull it out whenever I wanted to be reminded of all the good things the Lord has done. Look what the Lord has done! Hidden in that simple moment was a symbol of His provision and faithfulness to me. He has brought me this far.

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far has the LORD helped us.” (I Sam 7:12)

I love this story in the Bible, here’s my short version: The Israelites were about to get slaughtered by the Philistines, and Samuel was praying to God on Israel’s behalf, offering burnt sacrifices and whatnot for their sins (this is the old testament and all) – so God delivered Israel by sending massive thunder and such to the point where the Philistines were scared and in mass confusion and started to panic and run away, at which point Israel ran after them and killed a lot of them and won the battle. Then Samuel set this rock he named “Ebenezer” (literally means “stone of help”) at the place where Israel chased the Philistines down to, proclaiming that the Lord had helped them that far.

 

When I was in Colorado, we had a retreat where we made these “Ebenezer journals” that we could use to keep record of the big (and little) times where God helped to bring us through hard and painful times in our lives, like, the milestones – marking the places where we know and saw and experienced God helping us through. Now on the other side, we can say “the Lord has brought me this far.” I don’t use the journal as much as I should, but it’s cool to look back in it and remember specific times where you know it was all God, that He helped you get through that. 

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. (Psalm 46:1)

 

PAUSE: I keep thinking about the church I went to last sunday for Easter, it was my first time there and the worship was more like a bluesy jam session (I loved it), and at one point they started to sing this line “oh oh oh, Look what the Lord has done, oh oh oh, I like it that way” and then, while they were still jammin out, they started passing the mic around to people who wanted to share what the Lord was doing in their lives with everyone – saying look what the Lord has done, look how He has helped me thus far! It was beautiful and I loved it. [unpause]. 

 

When I look back on all the events and circumstances of my life that led me to this place, I am amazed. Did God really plan this out so perfectly? Did He really put these people in my life at this specific time on purpose… for a greater purpose? How did each of us cosmo girls end up in the same place at the same time in the same program at the same starting semester…. ? It’s crazy to think about God having worked in so many behind-the-scenes ways to get that to happen. You know? I mean, I choose to believe that in my life everything happens for a reason, and God orchestrates things to where I cross paths with certain people at certain times and for certain seasons. That there’s almost always a deeper meaning, that life is not all just a bunch of coincidences and meaningless happenings.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. (Romans 8:28 NLT) 

I know this is just barely scratching the surface. And I know this is not where it ends. I am still on the journey. I hope to always be on the journey. I don’t know why I am at this place on the journey, and I doubt I’m getting everything I am supposed to be getting out this season right now, but God has brought me this far. For a reason.

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Phil 1:6)  

 

greater things

Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done here. (“God of This City” – Chris Tomlin)

Can God make something beautiful out of something so ugly?

I choose to believe the answer is yes.

 ¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
       because the LORD has anointed me
       to preach good news to the poor.
       He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
       to proclaim freedom for the captives
       and release from darkness for the prisoners,

 ² to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
       and the day of vengeance of our God,
       to comfort all who mourn,

 ³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
       to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
       the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
       and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
       They will be called oaks of righteousness,
       a planting of the LORD
       for the display of his splendor.

 ⁴ They will rebuild the ancient ruins
       and restore the places long devastated;
       they will renew the ruined cities
       that have been devastated for generations. (Isaiah 61:1-4)

So many promises.

1. Fix the broken hearts. Bind them up. Bandage them. Give them a bugs bunny bandaid and kiss it all better. He brings TRUE and complete healing.

2. Freedom. No longer a slave, no longer a captive, no longer shall we live in captivity. We have been set free. My chains have been left behind. I never have to wear them again. I may have marks where my chains once were, but remember how He brings true and complete healing? His mercy reigns. Unending love. Amazing grace.

3. Release from darkness. Release from the tight grip that darkness once held on us. That tight grip may have left bruises, but remember that thing about how He brings true and complete healing? (sensing a theme here)

4. Comfort all who mourn. Not just some people who mourn. And not condemnation, but comfort. A big hug. A tight embrace. An ear and a shoulder. This is still a mystery to me, honestly, as are most things with God I guess, but truth is truth. When I am mourning, when I am balling my eyes out so hard that my head is pouding and I feel like I cant even breathe, when I feel like all hope is lost, when Im overwhelmed with the “whys” and the “how could yous” and the “so unfairs” – you know exactly what I mean. When you have been hurt, and your anger has turned to mourning, He wants to comfort you. And He is more than capable (its beyond understanding) if you allow Him to.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4:7)

5. A crown of beauty instead of ashes. This is one of my favorite lines in all the Bible. I think its because it hits right to the core. I am just ashes. Apart from God, I am nothing.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15:5)

And yet, in such a hopeless state, there IS hope. He wants to replace my ashes for beauty. He wants to trade nothing for something. And if youre trading nothing for something, its more like a gift, and not really a trade. Its giving life where there was only death. What love is this? That the King and Creator of the universe cares so much for me? For you and me. For ordinary people. That He gave his life for ours? Its insane. Its intense. Its all or nothing. I think thats why this is one of my favorite quotes:

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. (Jim Elliot)

6. Gladness instead of mourning. Not only does He comfort, but eventually, He wants to replace our mourning with gladness. Seem impossible? Honestly, yes. But thats another crazy thing about God, He loves doing the impossible. Because its not impossible for Him. And why wouldnt we want a God like that on our team?

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:31)

7. Praise instead of a spirit of despair. Thinking back on times where my spirit was one of despair, and the furthest from praise, the furthest from victory, the furthest from the Truth… I did NOT feel like “praise”. Why would I praise God? I was so mad at Him! Praise was the furthest thing from my lips or heart. But I think that maybe if we truly get to know Him better, we understand the truth about who He really is. Not who we think He is. In times where we have a spirit of despair, when we are being suffocated by darkness and depression and hopelessness, if we cling to the REAL Truth – that even in all of this God is at work, making all things work out for our benefit and for His glory, even when we dont see it or understand it or think that its even possible – then maybe we will experience this promise, and we will be forever changed. We will never be the same. In Him we are overcomers.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:37-39)

8. Rebuild, restore, renew the ruins and places long devastated. There are places in my life that look and feel like ruins, they have long been devastated. They were destroyed a long time ago. Is it even worth it to go back and rebuild? Why cant I just leave the ruins where they lie? Why cant I just let ruins be ruins? Let destruction reign victorious over just that one or two places? I dont know. Honestly. I think Im okay with some ruins. But apparently, He wants to restore those places – bring them back to life, back to functioning as they were meant to. True and complete healing? Seems like God is in the business of restoration and renewal. Of rebuilding what has been destroyed. Maybe thats why Jesus was a carpenter…. hmmmm!

 

So WHY?

They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. (Isaiah 61:3b)

Oaks of righteousness – like a tree, a big strong glorious perfect-for-tree-climbing oak tree, with deep roots. Theres so much metaphor you could find in that, but the point is, you are “a planting of the LORD” – you are His, and He has made you into something awesome and mighty and strong…. He wants to make you into that, He wants to take whatever you are now, your ugly ashes, your nothingness, your ruins, your broken heart, your anger, your deep sorrow, and do what only He can do: make something from nothing. And not just something, but something awesome, something beautiful, complete, whole, and full of life. And when you allow that transformation to begin, when you accept His love and power into your dead and hopeless life, He works miracles. Thats just what He does. I dont understand it. But I want it. And I can have it. And so can you. Thats what Jesus offers. Change and transformation and love and compassion… and a billion other things, thats what He’s all about. And when God starts something, He finishes it.

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Phil 1:6)

God is continually at work in those who desire and follow Him. A life brought from darkness to light, from death to life, from ashes to beauty, is only done so through God’s transformational power. Therefore, our ”new selves” bring glory to God, because He is the reason we have been made new and changed for the better. Freedom is only possible in Him. So we are for the “display of His splendor.” For His glory. Our purpose is to praise God.

When I think about the promises He has made, about who He really is (healer, love, freedom, joy, peace…) it helps put things in perspective. Remember the Truth. Speak it, live it. God is doing greater things than we know.

that time I got shot

This morning I had a shot. Not of the liquid variety. Or no, wait, I guess it was liquid. I meant it wasn’t alcohol. Geeze. It was in a syringe, and now it is in my right arm. Or well, my body.

First of all, I would just like to say that I do not mind needles. I have no “needle phobia” (proven when getting my nose pierced and having a huge needle the length of my face left in my nose while the guy tried to find something to cut it with… talk about shady. I guess I’m not sure if it was a needle, or just whatever needle-looking material one uses for that sort of thing. Either way, I thought it was awesome), nor do I pass out at the sight of my own blood… like my friend Andrew (sorry Andrew, I wasn’t going to go there, but I did). Needles and I have generally gotten along. I would credit this to the advice of a kind nurse, whose name I do not remember, giving me a shot when I was but a small youngster. This tidbit of knowledge has gotten me through many a syringe experience, and now I shall share it with you, so take heed.

Said nurse explained that if you take a deep breath and then blow out as they stick you with the needle, it’s not so bad. Maybe this is common sense, but it had never occurred to me until that point in my childhood life that crying hysterically would not, in fact, make the shot any less painful. And ever since then I’ve been on good terms with needles. Pain-free since ’93! (Okay they still hurt a little).

Anyways, my appointment was at 10am, which does not seem early to the untrained eye, but oh it was. Mostly because of my “pseudo –spring break” which I have very much been taking advantage of, re-introducing my body to the glorious wonderment that is sleeping in. So this morning, after my body was rudely awakened from slumber, I changed clothes, went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and ran out the door.

Surprisingly, I arrived at my appointment with time to spare (and I did not get lost!), so I filled out some paperwork, practiced signing my full legal name 12 hundred times, and eventually was called back to get vaccinated. My nurse, whose name was something like Bettyanne, was real nice and let me sit in this fancy throne-looking chair while she asked me all kinds of personal questions. Then she told me I needed to do a pregnancy test before they could give me the shot. Now, peeing in a cup is generally not too much to ask of someone, but when you pee before you leave the house, it gets a little difficult. So 20 minutes and a whole bottle of water later, I find out I’m not pregnant.

So Bettyanne starts getting the shot all ready and asks me what arm I want it in. I say right arm. She assumes I am left handed. I tell her that I am indeed right handed. I heard somewhere that you should get your shot in the arm you use most because it will help it circulate or something. It’s probably just a myth, or a straight up lie, but I continue to believe it. Bettyanne has no idea what I am rambling on about. She curses out loud all of a sudden. Something about the needle being the wrong size. She leaves and comes back with a different, bigger needle. Next thing I know, I’ve been shot in the arm.

It wasn’t bad. She handed me what she described as a “jazzy” band-aid. What is a jazzy band-aid? It has bugs bunny all over it, and it rocks. I guess I don’t look like the boring-flesh-colored-band-aid-type.

And that’s more than you ever wanted to know about that.